So the weirdest thing is happening as I draw closer to my Citizenship Ceremony on Friday, I am getting more and more emotional and it’s not excitement or happiness.
For the past 24 hours I have repeatedly felt like I am going to burst into tears, just writing this I am filling up. I am almost overwhelmed with the need to just have a damn good cry! I feel like the slightest upset is just going to tip me over the edge and I am very stressed.
I feel like I am going crazy! Taking American citizenship is something I really want to do, I love living here and my life here, I feel pride when I say the pledge or sing the national anthem, so I am NOT in any doubt.
But I am missing my family terribly this week, probably the worst since I got here almost 5 years ago. Although I miss them generally just being down the road, I have never felt ‘the miss’ as badly as I do right now and I so wish they could be with me on Friday to share the moment.
I have also had feelings of guilt about taking citizenship. I just feel guilty end of story, even though I can have dual citizenship and therefore shouldn’t. I feel like I am cutting ties with my birth country, even though I’m not.
Everyone tells me it’s a big deal; my Superintendent told everyone at our ‘back to school’ meetings and all my American friends seem really proud of me for doing it, even people who barely know me literally pat me on the back for taking this step. But up until the past 72 hours I felt it was just the final immigration step to be taken and an official piece of paper, it wasn’t a big deal to me. People asked me if I thought I’d cry, I didn’t think I would.
This morning I finally talked to someone about how I’m feeling, as so far I haven’t, even the Hubster has no clue what I’m going through. I talked to a friend who did the same thing a few years ago. I told her how I feel and she just completely understood, as she went through the same emotions and was in the same situation as far as taking dual citizenship. She said she cried a lot leading up to it, felt very guilty with no good reason either, but still wanted to do it totally.
So maybe this is just what I should have expected all along, maybe it’s just reaching the end of the immigration rollercoaster after 6 long hard and expensive years. But I am finally realizing it is a huge step and I have no doubt I will cry on Friday at some point.