Emotions running high

So the weirdest thing is happening as I draw closer to my Citizenship Ceremony on Friday, I am getting more and more emotional and it’s not excitement or happiness.

For the past 24 hours I have repeatedly felt like I am going to burst into tears, just writing this I am filling up. I am almost overwhelmed with the need to just have a damn good cry! I feel like the slightest upset is just going to tip me over the edge and I am very stressed.

I feel like I am going crazy! Taking American citizenship is something I really want to do, I love living here and my life here, I feel pride when I say the pledge or sing the national anthem, so I am NOT in any doubt.

But I am missing my family terribly this week, probably the worst since I got here almost 5 years ago. Although I miss them generally just being down the road, I have never felt ‘the miss’ as badly as I do right now and I so wish they could be with me on Friday to share the moment.

I have also had feelings of guilt about taking citizenship. I just feel guilty end of story, even though I can have dual citizenship and therefore shouldn’t. I feel like I am cutting ties with my birth country, even though I’m not.

Everyone tells me it’s a big deal; my Superintendent told everyone at our ‘back to school’ meetings and all my American friends seem really proud of me for doing it, even people who barely know me literally pat me on the back for taking this step. But up until the past 72 hours I felt it was just the final immigration step to be taken and an official piece of paper, it wasn’t a big deal to me. People asked me if I thought I’d cry, I didn’t think I would.

This morning I finally talked to someone about how I’m feeling, as so far I haven’t, even the Hubster has no clue what I’m going through. I talked to a friend who did the same thing a few years ago. I told her how I feel and she just completely understood, as she went through the same emotions and was in the same situation as far as taking dual citizenship. She said she cried a lot leading up to it, felt very guilty with no good reason either, but still wanted to do it totally.

So maybe this is just what I should have expected all along, maybe it’s just reaching the end of the immigration rollercoaster after 6 long hard and expensive years. But I am finally realizing it is a huge step and I have no doubt I will cry on Friday at some point.


Sunny said...

I came to America as a child with my parents, so I really didn't have a choice. I didn't become a citizen for several years until I was married and had a child. Eventhough my circumstances were different from yours, I experienced many of the same emotions that you are going through.
I am proud to be an American but a portion of my heart is still planted in my British roots.
Congratulations on taking this big step, I'm sure you'll never regret it.
☼ Sunny

Yogi♪♪♪ said...

I have thought that what you are going through would be very difficult emotionally for me to do something similar. I'm proud that you have decided to become an American but you are still English through and through and that will never go away.

Kay said...

Oh Sarah, I'm so sorry. I can understand what you're saying. I wondered how you were doing about this big move. Even though you're getting a dual citizenship, you are still giving your allegiance to another country as well. I can imagine your feeling torn even though you're happy for this journey to come to its conclusion. I'm sending you lots of aloha, hugs, felicitations and welcome. America is lucky to have a part of your heart.

My neighbor in Illinois is from England. Richard married an American and he loves America, but we all know deep down he will always be so very British and we love him for it.

Gaelyn said...

Feel free to cry with joy and sadness. This IS a very Big move for you. HUGS! You can work it out, or not, if you choose. You are and always will be Sarah.

Linda J. said...

As an American who loves to travel in England, I honor and respect your decision to become an American citizen, and that you will remain a British citizen. Of course, this is an emotional roller coaster for you! You will always be a Brit to the core. But in my opinion, in our society today, becoming an American citizen will in many ways simplify your life (ok, paperwork)while you are living and working in the USA.

Congratulations! I am so proud of you for going through the long process and accomplishing the requirements that have brought you to this point in your life.
Hugs from KY

Pam said...

I had a great post that Blogger just ate, so am starting again. I think you are having normal emotions, don't you? These ceremonies are there for important reasons -- to make sure the times of life's changes are marked with purpose. If that made sense. You are practical, though, and this is a very practical thing you are doing. Patriotic too, but also practical. You will be fine! And The Suite is open and ready for business!

Anonymous said...

Aw, Sarah, it just shows that you are not a shallow person, who is taking this lightly. What you are going through is normal.

Daryl said...

All I can add to what everyone else has already said is you'll be seeing your family at Christmas but why not call them now and tell them you miss them ... its always wonderful to get a call out of the blue saying "hullo, I miss you and I love you"

Sherri said...

Oh Sarah I wish I could give you a hug!! I am sending you a cyber hug! I think because you have been waiting for this day for so long and it is a BIG deal that is why you are going through all of these emotions. I have all the faith in you and I am proud of you for wanting to become an American citizen. Sarah you will always be the wonderful you, you are!!! HUGS again!!

Limey said...

Sarah — it makes sense that you'd have mixed feelings. It makes you a different person in a way. Except that it doesn't :-) Just think of it as a right to vote and go through the quicker passport line at the airport. Everything else is the same. xxxx

Iota said...

Is it maybe a kind of bereavement? I dunno - just a suggestion.

Any new chapter involves the closing of an old one - emotionally, even if not in anything concrete.

Have a good cry!

Vickie said...

{{{HUGS}}} I wish it could be more, sweetie. I know I can't empathize, but I can sympathize.

George said...

My late wife came to this country as a young girl. She became an American citizen as soon as she was able, but still felt the pull of the old country, although she had almost no family left over there.
If you cry on Friday I think it would be completely natural.
Congratulations a few days early.

jabblog said...

Congratulations! You have a foot in two continents now.
Emotional responses are natural on big occasions and during formal ceremonies. You're gaining something to add to what you already have. You are rich indeed :-)

fillyjonk said...

It's a change. Change is scary. Even if you know you "should" be happy about it (and are), there's still that uncertainty, that unsettledness, that is upsetting.

I know I have cried at points of change in my life - even good change - because, as someone else said, any change is a bereavement.

I'll be thinking of you.

Betty Manousos @ CUT AND DRY said...

Ahh, Your post is very touching..it's normal to go through this I think.
I found your site through Turquoise Diaries and as I am an Anglophile I thought to stop by your super awesome blog.

Have a good day!

Dee @ Red Dirt Ramblings said...

Hang in there dear girl. I think anytime we make such a big step, it brings up emotions we didn't know were within us. I remember feeling that way about having my first child when I found out I was pregnant. I totally meant to be pregnant, but when I held the test, there was all this emotion. I'll be thinking of you.~~Dee

Expat mum said...

You can take the girl out of England, ...and all that. Actually, it never occured to me to cry when I became a citizen back in 2002. Well, it did when we were delayed almost an hour in a sweltering room because some would-be terrorist had tried to bring explosives into the lobby in his backpack and caused a massive shut-down of the Loop. Up on the 30-somthing'th floor we had no idea what was going on, so I hope you don't have any kind of idiot messing things up for you.
Have a great day.

Anna's Spot said...

You are experiencing perfectly normal feelings, for me it was hard to give up Canada although I would not want to live there again, at the moment .I feel sad when I go home because I feel homesick when I leave. It is kind of sentimental to me.
Hugs <3

Iota said...

It's Friday. I'm thinking of you!

Jill of All Trades said...

Oh Sarah, I think this was to be expected. Congrats and hang in there. It's just a whole lot of emotions all balled up inside. Take Care. Carla